Innovate or Die
A cartoon sketch of a mailbox with a gloomy face, underneath a raincloud
Our mailbox was rebuilt lately, mostly for aesthetic purposes as it only ever gives out political flyers (three cheers for a hiatus in that rigmarole) and supermarket specials.
But it’s been put back at the wrong angle, as any mail we do get is ruined at the first sign of rain. HELLO was the only legible word on a recent postcard from my daughter’s travelling bestie. So I was pleased to rescue the plastic wrapped ‘Innovations’ mag, sent to me as a VIP no less, despite never having signed up for it. Old fashioned targeted snail mail at its best, though it’s fair to say the mail box, unlike my phone, can’t listen to me.
At first glance the whole magazine resembles a spoof marketing campaign from the eighties. Any models are all young, attractive and female, on the right side of tasteful. This month’s front cover sports a young girl smiling at the camera whilst brandishing a leaf blower. At least she’s not wearing a bikini.
The content is packed with ideas to make your life easier. Words like NEW and FREE are liberally peppered throughout. Special offers abound - spending $80 or more gets you fifty percent off the novel sounding Window Vacuum Cleaner, whilst an outlay of more than $120 rewards the shopper with access to a Cyclone Vacuum Cleaner, though it doesn’t specify if it can be used for windows too. Anything decorative is prefixed with the word STUNNING, from the Faux Lavender Tree – a burst of colour adding a touch of modern elegance to any space – to the variegated ficus sporting hundreds of beautiful realistic leaves. There’s literally no end to the stuff that can transform your living space.
I’ve reached the point in life where I need less stuff, not more. But it’s impossible not to get your eye caught by some of the gadgets, things you never knew you needed until you discovered their existence.
There’s an Amazing Flexible Torch that’s bendy and versatile, designed to wrap around that awkward dark pipe or spotlight your snags while turning them on the barby. And who can go past the Slide and Film Viewer, with triple magnification, letting you look over all those film negative strips you still have knocking around in shoe boxes (remember them?) to relive happy times arguing with Uncle Bill over how best to carve the Christmas turkey.
But if someone’s going to go to the trouble of inventing handy stuff, I’ve got a few ideas. The Clever Cooling Pad to help your canine pals stay cool on a hot day is useful, but what about a Dog Language Translator, like Google Translate for dogs, instead of talking to them in English and expecting a response (‘don’t sniff that woman’s bottom, Fido, you don’t know where it’s been.’)
A hands-free precision magnifier (aka, magnifying glass) could prove invaluable, but how about a single pair of glasses that I can wear at all times – in and out of sunshine, looking at a screen, reading, talking to people, watching a show, instead of the current four pairs I currently have to play swapsies with.
I’m all for the digital alarm clock radio adorned with exquisite butterfly art, but what I’m really after is an alarm clock that you can pair with your own body biorhythms, guaranteeing sleep for the period you set. The microfibre duster with the telescopic pole, ideal for accessing those hard-to-reach places, is all very well, but who can give me something I can wave across the bazillion tiny knick knacks in my children’s rooms and eradicate dust in one go without laboriously picking up each piece.
But I don’t want to seem churlish. Now I think of it, my husband uses his iPhone when barbecuing after dark so the bendy torch is actually not a bad idea. And if someone can just invent a weatherproof cover for my mailbox to preserve future snail mail I’d be forever grateful.